BUT ILL BE THERE FOR YOOOOOOUUUUU!
FRIENDS
Im not sure about the other cultures (Though Im pretty sure you guys went thru this too) but black women went thru this whole "All my women who independent throw your hands up at meeeaaaaaaa!!!" movement late nineties and early 2000s. This extreme mentality was birthed from our slightly bitter mothers telling us "dont you rely on no man" and from men getting really excited about not having to open up doors or pay for dinners anymore. (We were duped into thinking paying for shit was cool. lol) Everyone in our culture was supporting this "I can do bad all by myself" bullshit mindset for women and I bought into it. Big time! In result, I ended up doing just that....doing bad by myself. No man! No real friends! Just associates I called friends cuz it was the closest thing i had. (Oh and tv shows like girlfriends. I was so envious of those women) Ive run into so many lonely women and men its crazy. I believe it has a lot to do with society telling us that relationships are just a hindrance to success in every way.
Most men Ive ran into love women as friends. Not only for the option of occasional drunken sex (YUM!) but also because making friends with another dude isnt that easy. I never ever thought about that but us girls will create friendships with a woman in the bathroom who happened to have the same lipstick we had. Men dont do those things unless they dont mind always being mistaken as gay. ("Hey looka there....we are wearing the same jock strap!" not cool most times) Also men do really have emotions and romantic comedy-like feelings they cant share with his homeboy. (Ha ha ha Guy code sucks) Men's conversations over dinner is normally about sports, while watching sports and with a woman with huge boobs putting down a plate of hot wings. Women's conversation over dinner is similar to a psychologist and client on our second dinner. ("....And girl I almost cut him in his sleep because my ass was covered in toilet water but instead he woke up and apologized then we had the best sex of my life.....")
Whats my point?
My point is with women thinking they dont need friends and men sleeping with their female friends (Cuz you know at some point someone has a weak moment and then the friendship changes)....friendship has lost its value but not its importance....especially when it comes to spiritual advancement.
We need friends....men and women.
Truth is, you dont always think clearly. Truth is, not all your ideas are great or good. (or even okay) Truth is, humans are wired for relationships. If you think you can do this life by yourself you are in a heavy denial. We have to work on our relationships with our friends just as much as we work hard to get a promotion at our job. Friends are our promotion in life. They make everything better.
So if your homegirl doesnt like going anywhere with you because you hate putting lotion on...put lotion on. (something that happened to me) If your roommate thinks your cold because you come home and go straight to your room and lock your door without one peep....... peep at her once or twice when you come home (something else that happened to me) If your homeboy wants to grab some drinks for an hour or so...stop pretending your busy,..its just one hour! (again...me)
We are losing friends and friendships over simple things. Mostly over the catergory we put them in or expectations. This morning I saw 50 shades of red I was so angry. A person I considered to be a real good friend had did something I would have NEVER expected him to do. After talking with another friend I realize I was more upset at his failure in my expectations than I was with him. Knowing where your friends stand is extremely important to the success of your friendships.
Categories of Friends start.....now.....
Uplifters: these people are like little brothers and sisters. You give a lot to them but you do not expect anything back. Most of your conversations are about them. Most of the time you are paying. Most of the time yall have spent together is about THEM! But you love them because you see they are trying to be the best person they can be. They often have a sweet and open heart. Most times yall laugh A LOT! A lot of people will often fall in this category and you not know it. The bad thing about not knowing it is that you will expect them to be there for you and often they are not because they never were suppose to be.
Karma Friends (get what you give....give AND take): these people are there when you cry, when you're angry, when you laugh, when you get locked up...I mean the list goes on! Its a give and take. You hold their hair back when they throw up and then you hold theirs. You buy a round of beer and then they buy a round. These people are hard to come by but like dating get out there and find them. You love to work out, go to a spin class or go play basketball. You love to paint, take a painting class. Watch the game at the bar instead of at home. When you get there, be friendly and get to know people! In this category, you may have your soul mate. You both are learning similar lessons and at a similar pace. (These people are my favorite people in the whole world. Im hoping one of these friends become Oprah rich one day. Id love to be a Gayle)
Yodas: often we end up in a pickle. You go to your soul mate and they tell you to do what they would do but they dont have what you have. (Get it? LOL) Going to single friends about a relationship problem is a dumb solution. Going to a couple you admire about relationship issues...make much more sense. Going to someone about financial advice that has a 230 credit score is dumb. Going to a master business man with a 799 credit score...smart! You have to find people you admire, the master teachers of the areas you are having problems in so that you can call on them when you find yourself confused. We are their Uplifters. Make sure your master is stable enough to deal with that.
These categories helped me today. I was reminded that the friend that made me angry wasnt a bad person with evil intentions. He was just letting me know I placed him in the wrong category for right now. Friends do move categories and they will tell you which category they moved to with their actions. As long as this person isnt causing negative energy, drama and constant pain.....mend the friendship. Friends ARE needed. It is not weak to need them. If you have lost a friend recently, work on that friendship like its a project at work that CANT FAIL! Its time to get friendly! Love & Freedom!
There is no SPOON!
SEVEN
Expectations
ReplyDeleteI just happened to be channel surfing and came across a Dr. Phil episode. I guess I was meant to see that segment because he said that the number one reason relationships fail because expectations aren’t met (not verbatim, but close…). Talk about summing up the whole relationship crisis with one phrase, but I really thought about it. You expect your mate to be good with money because maybe you’re good with money….wrong. You expect your husband to know what you are feeling….wrong again. You expect your girlfriend to have sex with you whenever you’re ready…try on PMS and a period and then we can talk, oh, by the way… wrong! In friendships, we assume (we all know what assuming does…) friends will be there when we fall apart….I’m sorry, but that answer is, you guessed it, wrong. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have expectations, but just know where to place them. For example, I used to give my trust away like free food, but I had to learn that there are something’s you can trust to one person that you can’t trust to another because as much as we hate to admit it, people really do have limitations, and I know that has a negative connotation but it’s true. I was an introvert who married an extrovert, and our worlds were so, so, different. He expected that we would go out more, and I expected that we would go out less and neither one of us would relent. So there was no compromise, but plenty of disappointment. I confess that it took me a long while to figure that out!!
I think the independent women mentality comes from being hurt time and time again. Granted, the people you pick say a lot about you, but in the end, nobody likes getting hurt and most people don’t get into a relationship hoping to be hurt, so then there is this need to compensate for unfulfilled relationships, but we have come full circle and then some (or overcompensation) so now we have this great divide and void between sexes. So now both genders are quite skeptical of one another. We sit around and wait for him/her to do something wrong to justify the independent movement, but here’s the thing about people, if you expect very little from them, that’s exactly what you get, or as I put it, “I become what you say”. If you think your man can’t do this or that or you boast about the ability to do it yourself, you can almost witness his willingness die which leads to an ego shift, and not in a good way and so the cycle continues…
Bottom line, when you have a good sense of self, you will find out who your real friends are (a great way to thin the herd) and will also learn how to adjust your expectations according to the individual.