Tears or Beer....I'll take BOTH

Today I had a choice. (Beyond calling out for work or working) It was a choice to be happy. I cannot lie to you. As I type, Im feeling a lil sad today. Even cried a lil. (Well a lot...like won an Oscar...alot) Did the whole ugly stuttering voice you do when you cry and talk at the same time. Asked myself questions to make me cry harder like "Why! Why didnt I apply for that job? Why am I still the same weight for 8 months now? WHY DIDNT I BUY THOSE DAMN SHOES!" After all that.....I was done and I made the choice to get happy.

But the most exciting thing isnt that I can literally feel saddness leaving my body. The thing Im MOST proud of isnt me choosing to be happy. What Im proud of, is actually feeling the emotion. Facing it! Everybody knows the feeling. Everyone has their own set of physical reactions that consistantly pop up after someone pushes your buttons (especially the one button colored in crayon from your childhood). My first feeling is shock......numbness. 5 mins later its a lump in my throat and big ass taradactals (not butterflies) that flap around in my heart and somehow provide to me gas. YES GAS! (Im cute and I fart....yes its true)

My immediate reaction is to supress it. Dont show any emotions. I shout out orders with my internal voice to all body parts. It sounds like a Sergant in the Army in the middle of war "STOMACH stop being so loud! HEAD and HEART stop pounding! THOART, take a leave of absence until you remove the lump! EYES stop the water works! AND MOUTH DONT YOU SAY ANYTHING THAT KINDA ELLUDES TO THE FACT THEY GOT UNDER MY SKIN" So in short, I shut down. I go into autopilot when Im in "HULK SMASH" mode. Why? Two reasons. One, I dont wanna make it worse. Two, I dont wanna hurt you. So I stuff it. Until my neighbor closes their door too hard and I park in their parking spot, smoke a black and mild till they return and throw bricks in their windows while they are still in their car.

This causes diseases. This causes a constant unexplainable, ever present anger or depression. This is called self inflicted stress.

So, Im proud. Im proud of the fact that I got hit in the heart and I faced it like it was a pie. I hung up the phone and cried immediately. While crying I figured out my REAL problem (which always seems to me and not them) and with the help of my guides, Im smiling.

I hope that if you are reading this right now, feeling like I did earlier or you always have this undercurrent of saddness/anger.....realize this.... you are stuffing too much and its time to face the music. (Hit repeat on the track callled MY FEELINGS)

Angry? Go to a kickboxing class. Sad? WRITE! Jealous, TAKE STRAIGHT SHOTS AND THEN POP BOTTLES! (joking...DANCE in the mirror naked without pointing out one bad thing about yourself) There are plenty of solutions! I dont feel like I did before my soul felt like Chris Brown was released on it but I am feeling a hell of a lot better than I did right after the punch. And I'll continue to climb up the latter of happiness. I hope you climb with me. Love and Freedom.

THERE IS NO SPOON
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