Sooooo hot yoga kicked my ass. I mean its been a long time where a workout has made me wanna throw up, pass out ANNNNND beg for my life not to end. And Im no stranger to the gym. One of the very few people who actually like the gym but that workout beat me like a slave that had been captured by not Russia but U.S.S.R. But let me tell you, I loved it. Why? Come closer, pour yourself a shot and let me fill you in.
The first thing I felt when I walked into the room was a great peace. Like lavender was personified. I sat in the room like an exhibitionist and watched the people and absorbed them. I was in ahhhh of these folks. It was evident their body and spirit were one.
It reminded me of what a beautiful soul named Egami Reh told me and I never forgot it. She said, you are the God of your own body. She told me that your body is so loyal to you that if you asked it to drink a gallon of bleach...it would. You are God, Ruler, Boss and Emperor. Your cells, organs, bones, ect worship and praise you. They exists to serve you so I ask what kind of God are you? What kind of boss are you? Would you prefer your boss to be yelling at you everyday to get your work done or help you and praise you to get your work done? Your cells feel stress. 80 percent of diseases are related to stress. SO trust me, your cells feel negativity like you do when your boss walks in on Monday with evidence of "FUCK EVERYONE" all over them. Its hard to work in that atmosphere. So here I am in this room as the odd man out. Not just cuz I was the only black, overweight person in the room but because my aura was a snitch and it was screaming to everyone I hadnt been kind to my body.
Now we are well into the workout and I am looking like an idiot. I didnt know what the hell I was doing. I remember looking in the mirror and cursing myself out. Why you ask? There was a beginners class but I chose this class because I wanted more for my money and since the beginners class was only an hour and the advanced was 90 mins...I chose this class. Greed sucks ass. Well at this moment, kicks ass....not in the awesome white boy way either.
At this time Im beginning to notice some things. I cant align my body, I cant balance and I am not flexible AT ALL. On top of the fact that it feels like there is a bunch of meat from the night before stuck in my throat planning an escape from my body like its in a poorly secured prison.....I am hurting. My body is hurting and shaking and I cant breathe. So I lay in childs pose after an hour of all this and reflect.
Physical cant come to be without it being in the spiritual first. Am I not balanced? Am I not align? Am I not flexible? Yes. Yes. And damnit More YES!
The next day I go and hang out with some friends to exchange ideas about spirituality. I believe there is no one religion that has it all right soooooooo its important, no matter what religion you affiliate with, to speak with people from other religions to help round out your spirit. Your spirit isnt Christian or Jewish....it is spirit which includes all.
In the midst of our chatting I asked one of my friends who is a Lesbian how she deals with people feeling like her lifestyle is wrong because Christians I use to know feel the same way about my lifestyle now. (a lifestyle that excludes Pastors, Church, a definition of "sin" and ect...) I told her I havent figured how to deal with people still trying to "save me". (Which is about as annoying as someone telling you the ending to a movie you've waited 5 months to see....yes THAT annoying) She told me she accepts those who dont accept her lifestyle for where they are and that I was judgemental for standing against their beliefs. OH NO SHE DIDNT SAY I WAS JUDGEMENTAL! But it made sense. I didnt realize I wasnt being flexible. How can I expect a person to accept everyone and I only accept people who are open minded in the way I think they should be? I cant. The epiphany was sooooo beautiful and I am working on it becoming habitually subconscious. Bottom line, yoga showed me myself and the universe was already working on showing me how to fix the darkness that was hiding in me.
I am working on my balance and alignment now but Im still not certain the areas I need to reevaluate but I am waiting on the spirit world to reveal them to me. I Love this life I live. I love loving this life. I hope you are doing the same with yours. Thank you for reading. Love and Freedom.
Seven
Monday, August 27, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Freaky like the Daughter of a Pastor.....
.....Well BOTH of my parents were Pastors. Yeah so you can only imagine how freaky I am. I wasn't a "bad" child. Loved church if anything. I was heavily involved in it. Lost my virginity after high school to the man I had plan to marry. I mean, my shoes weren't just good...they were goody. (I hope you caught that) I enjoyed the attention I got from being so righteous but.....
I LOVED PORN!!!!
Still do. Learned how to give a proper B & Js through porn. Love giving head. Love having sex. My favorite is when people are around but cant see you like in the bathroom at a party. Im just saying, I had a freaky side that I had to constantly keep in check. Being in the church, lust and passion (except toward King Jesus and God of Abraham) were frowned upon. I constantly told myself how awful I was for wanting sex. I made the guilt after a masturbation session unbearable so I would stop. I would celebrate each week that would go by that I didnt "click on the clit" or "love my neighbor as myself" or "know thyself"! I was proud that I was a woman beater and would share tactics with other women.
Now I know most of you all are from some type of organized religion. And the previous paragraphs of this blog are familiar to you but you don't understand whats so wrong with doing what Ive mentioned. Well, I am about to give you MY OPINION and MY revelation on this. I know you may disagree but I encourage you to continue reading so you know whats in the brain of a different mind than yours.
Organized religion is an amazing tool to point you toward your spirit. I wouldn't be who I am today without being a Christian for 25 years of my life. I look into Islam and love the discipline they teach. I look into the Jewish faith and I love the sound history it has plus their traditions seems to connect them to the spiritual realm more than any other religion. But the one thing I have seen, is this under currant of suppression of feminine power that has become so normal that women no longer see it as a problem.
One major proof is that we all know God isnt human....God is spirit yet we refer to God has "father" or "Him"! And if you got up and said "ALL PRAISE BE TO GOD BLESS HER HOLY NAME!" they would look at you as if satan just proposed to you on the alter and you said yes. Why are we so comfortable with God being man but uncomfortable with God being female even though both would be wrong? So what does this have to do with sex? A lot....
One little secret that I learned that men would hate for women to know is that they feel that women have a power over them that they have to learn to control. That we hold the keys of power walking into any situation that consist of a woman and a man. Without any discipline and focus on their part, we have a STRONG power over them. Their sex drive is crazy high to keep the earth's population going. Very few women want to have kids after a night of cramps or even worst labor pains. Not fun. We are beautiful, nurturing, soft creatures with vaginas that make them feel like gods. To control that urge for us takes much effort so for some instead of doing all that.....they try and control the women.
Have you ever wondered why do women have to cover up in church? Why is it my responsibility to keep you from having visions of us having sex during worship? Why is it that Nicki Minaj is considered a hoe when we have never heard of her being with anyone other than Lil Wayne? Ashton Kutcher has been with just as many women as Kim Kardashian has been with men but she's a SLORE (thats slut and whore together just to clear that up) and he is just a man being a man.
It is an effort to take away feminine power. Im not saying lets all blare out Who Runs the World by Beyonce and take over. I simply saying that Masculine and Feminine power need to be equal for a balanced society.
A woman who owns her sexuality is a dangerous woman. Which is why it is frowned upon so much. A woman flaunting her curves and proud to be connected with her body is considered a hoebag. A woman who has sex on the first date and doesnt want anything to do with that man except sex is considered loose to the church. All these negative concepts that we have learned about our body or being sexual have kept us from great sex and a word we rarely say...ORGASMS (with a s).
The guilt that is playing through our head in the form of questions is blocking out enjoying a very NATURAL part of life. I know its natural because most of the women who are in the church and arent married ARE STILL HAVING SEX!!!!
Im not saying your Priest or Pastor has sat down with the Elders of the church or temple and devised a plan once a month to kill feminine power. Theres not a hate group meeting going on in the basement of the place you worship trying to cut the clits of women spiritually. Most men dont know they do it. Just like most women don't know why some women have great sex no matter the man they have sex with. (the penis however can fuck up some good sex regardless but women who own their bodies would politely tell the man no or just have anal sex) Its because of the negative concepts we have been fed. Most men don't know that they are fucking up their sex life with their future wives by perpetuating these misogynous views of "keep your legs closed" because you cant just click over from being a nun to porn star just because a ring was placed next to the middle finger. It takes women YEARS to become sexually open and comfortable because they have to unlearn these concepts.
I'm not saying go out Friday night and sleep with the first dude who looks to be packing length and girth. I'm saying reevaluate how you view sex. Unlearn the unhealthy parts of it. In my religion it took me researching the original text of scriptures realizing God didn't have a problem with an unmarried woman having sex with an unmarried man..though the culture didn't support that...its just when one or both became married....was it a problem. When sex controls you....starts to get in the way of relationships or your job....then be worried but owning your body.....being present in your body......feeling at home in your body.....is not nasty or unholy. Its quite the opposite. its your temple.
If you are like myself, which a lot of us are, then you are not only dealing with unlearning these concepts but also dealing with the darkness that seemed to be left by someone in you when you were younger and was taken advantage of sexually. We are strong. We are beautiful. No it wasn't our faults no matter WHAT the situation. And WE DESERVE ORGASMS! LOL. Love thyself and today is the perfect time to start!
I write this cause I am going through it. I'm blessed with a man who understands my journey of unlearning but at times it is still difficult. Is anyone going through this same journey or has gone through this journey that has any tips? Love to hear your help. Till next time Love and Freedom!
Seven
I LOVED PORN!!!!
Still do. Learned how to give a proper B & Js through porn. Love giving head. Love having sex. My favorite is when people are around but cant see you like in the bathroom at a party. Im just saying, I had a freaky side that I had to constantly keep in check. Being in the church, lust and passion (except toward King Jesus and God of Abraham) were frowned upon. I constantly told myself how awful I was for wanting sex. I made the guilt after a masturbation session unbearable so I would stop. I would celebrate each week that would go by that I didnt "click on the clit" or "love my neighbor as myself" or "know thyself"! I was proud that I was a woman beater and would share tactics with other women.
Now I know most of you all are from some type of organized religion. And the previous paragraphs of this blog are familiar to you but you don't understand whats so wrong with doing what Ive mentioned. Well, I am about to give you MY OPINION and MY revelation on this. I know you may disagree but I encourage you to continue reading so you know whats in the brain of a different mind than yours.
Organized religion is an amazing tool to point you toward your spirit. I wouldn't be who I am today without being a Christian for 25 years of my life. I look into Islam and love the discipline they teach. I look into the Jewish faith and I love the sound history it has plus their traditions seems to connect them to the spiritual realm more than any other religion. But the one thing I have seen, is this under currant of suppression of feminine power that has become so normal that women no longer see it as a problem.
One major proof is that we all know God isnt human....God is spirit yet we refer to God has "father" or "Him"! And if you got up and said "ALL PRAISE BE TO GOD BLESS HER HOLY NAME!" they would look at you as if satan just proposed to you on the alter and you said yes. Why are we so comfortable with God being man but uncomfortable with God being female even though both would be wrong? So what does this have to do with sex? A lot....
One little secret that I learned that men would hate for women to know is that they feel that women have a power over them that they have to learn to control. That we hold the keys of power walking into any situation that consist of a woman and a man. Without any discipline and focus on their part, we have a STRONG power over them. Their sex drive is crazy high to keep the earth's population going. Very few women want to have kids after a night of cramps or even worst labor pains. Not fun. We are beautiful, nurturing, soft creatures with vaginas that make them feel like gods. To control that urge for us takes much effort so for some instead of doing all that.....they try and control the women.
Have you ever wondered why do women have to cover up in church? Why is it my responsibility to keep you from having visions of us having sex during worship? Why is it that Nicki Minaj is considered a hoe when we have never heard of her being with anyone other than Lil Wayne? Ashton Kutcher has been with just as many women as Kim Kardashian has been with men but she's a SLORE (thats slut and whore together just to clear that up) and he is just a man being a man.
It is an effort to take away feminine power. Im not saying lets all blare out Who Runs the World by Beyonce and take over. I simply saying that Masculine and Feminine power need to be equal for a balanced society.
A woman who owns her sexuality is a dangerous woman. Which is why it is frowned upon so much. A woman flaunting her curves and proud to be connected with her body is considered a hoebag. A woman who has sex on the first date and doesnt want anything to do with that man except sex is considered loose to the church. All these negative concepts that we have learned about our body or being sexual have kept us from great sex and a word we rarely say...ORGASMS (with a s).
The guilt that is playing through our head in the form of questions is blocking out enjoying a very NATURAL part of life. I know its natural because most of the women who are in the church and arent married ARE STILL HAVING SEX!!!!
Im not saying your Priest or Pastor has sat down with the Elders of the church or temple and devised a plan once a month to kill feminine power. Theres not a hate group meeting going on in the basement of the place you worship trying to cut the clits of women spiritually. Most men dont know they do it. Just like most women don't know why some women have great sex no matter the man they have sex with. (the penis however can fuck up some good sex regardless but women who own their bodies would politely tell the man no or just have anal sex) Its because of the negative concepts we have been fed. Most men don't know that they are fucking up their sex life with their future wives by perpetuating these misogynous views of "keep your legs closed" because you cant just click over from being a nun to porn star just because a ring was placed next to the middle finger. It takes women YEARS to become sexually open and comfortable because they have to unlearn these concepts.
I'm not saying go out Friday night and sleep with the first dude who looks to be packing length and girth. I'm saying reevaluate how you view sex. Unlearn the unhealthy parts of it. In my religion it took me researching the original text of scriptures realizing God didn't have a problem with an unmarried woman having sex with an unmarried man..though the culture didn't support that...its just when one or both became married....was it a problem. When sex controls you....starts to get in the way of relationships or your job....then be worried but owning your body.....being present in your body......feeling at home in your body.....is not nasty or unholy. Its quite the opposite. its your temple.
If you are like myself, which a lot of us are, then you are not only dealing with unlearning these concepts but also dealing with the darkness that seemed to be left by someone in you when you were younger and was taken advantage of sexually. We are strong. We are beautiful. No it wasn't our faults no matter WHAT the situation. And WE DESERVE ORGASMS! LOL. Love thyself and today is the perfect time to start!
I write this cause I am going through it. I'm blessed with a man who understands my journey of unlearning but at times it is still difficult. Is anyone going through this same journey or has gone through this journey that has any tips? Love to hear your help. Till next time Love and Freedom!
Seven
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Weight gain...I rather suck on a ball then balance on one.
I know I know....Ive been gone as long as your disc man has but I'm back. Lots of stuff has happened! I mean lots but I will slowly recap through out the blog instead of catching you guys up all at once.
Lets first talk about how Weight Watchers is awesome and how I am not.
Alright so, I understand now why Weight Watchers is the number one weight loss system in the nation cuz it has an excellent system to kick Fat's ass. It teaches you two major things.....How much is too much food for you and your body AND BALANCE! So it is no surprise that I have spent 60 dollars to gain weight on the program. Why? Guess what ONE of my major issue are in my life???? Yes BALANCE!
If you have ever met me in person....I am extremely passionate. I am bubbly, ballsy and have a high pitch voice that at first sounds pleasant but eventually gets on your GOD DAMN NERVES! Passion is what drives me but what it also does.....is..... put me in EXTREMES. Example, Lets say I watch a YouTube video of a baby cow being stabbed by a huge metal hook, drug across the floor while kicking in pain and murdered for the purpose of being on my bun. (Real shit like this happens everyday by the way) Not only do I stop eating beef....I tell all my friends on facebook I'm going to call in some kind of homicide team on your ass if I see you eating a cow. Then I'm talking to the manager of Food Lion to make sure he knows he support the Osama type murder of animals and should leave the earth in the same way if he doesnt get some organic in this bitch. I go hard for at the most 2-3 weeks then that faithful bar-b-cue happens where the only people that I know at the spot are the people who have been trying to sabotage my efforts to not eat meat so that they can eat guilt free! I end up having just ONE piece of a beef hot dog and BAM next week I'm turning my stove to 300 to slowly cook a roast.
Its baaaaad! Soooo bad. I know it has a lot to do with my up bringing where I felt I had to be perfect and make all the right choices all the time so now all I wanna do is REBEL! Which is why wrong shit feels so amazeballs RIGHT. But it also has a lot to do with my relationship with food.
Lets get real. If we are talking about caloric intake and outtake then exercising, on average, burns about 350 calories per hour. A debbie snack cake Nutty Buddy Bar is 330 calories which can be consumed by me in less than 5 mins. Conclusion: Its not about my relationship with a tredmill which is what I have been focusing on a lot. If I stopped eating so much damn food....I wouldn't be in this embarrassing predicament.
I have been blessed. I LOVE WEIRD HEALTHY FOOD!!! I can eat watermelon, bananas, oranges and apples EVERYDAY for breakfast. Some form of Raw Spinach, broccoli, mushrooms and celery everyday for lunch! Tofu, soup and a huge ass salad for dinner! I love healthy food cuz it taste GRRRRREAT to me! SO why in the fuck titty ville do I always go for the unhealthy shitty food? Why does my brain tell me, "Fuck that plum son and go for the Belgian Waffles, grits and milkshake that we will call a smoothie."
It is a mind thing. I have no control over the one thing I CAN control.
I recently spoke with this beautiful spirit, Neleh (waving frantically at her), who told me about this transformation shes been on for two years looking for herself. She tells me about yoga and it detoxing benefits which Ive done...hot yoga specifically.... with my other homie GLO! I had a ball and felt amazing and I stopped because Im a dumb ass. So I was interested in what Neleh had to say because not only do I love yoga but I loved her. Her spirit glowed and her body was AWESOME! I noticed her physical change but didnt connect that it came from the inside.
So here I am again trying to figure out what wack ass concept did I adopt that made me almost 30 pounds overweight and I realized this.....I dont want to be healthy....I just wanna look good!
That one statement explains alot. Yo yo dieting comes from this fuckball of a statement. You and I are spirits. Just like astronauts are given a space suit in order to survive in outer space....we were given a body in order to grow our spirits from what we learn here on earth. Its crazy for the astronaut to be more concerned about getting a ruby red suit and Jordans laced into his/her suit than he/she is about the maintenance of the suit! Same with me....its a stupid concept to be more concerned about being fat than me being unhealthy. So thats my next step. Changing my relationship with food. Becoming healthy from the inside out. Intention is everything.
I have begin to research many authors that talk about this topic and yoga. The China Study already has peaked my interest highly. While I research food scientifically, Ill add in some hot yoga and books on guilt which we will talk about later on because guilt is one of the worst emotions we have adopted into our daily lives! (It is seriously a fuckcluster of shitty shit!)
Alright lets do a small preview......guilt is like swallowing shattered glass on purpose. It causes so much stress on you physically and spiritually for no reason! Most people use it to punish themselves so they wont do what they did again. I had to ask myself, "Do you punch yourself in the face every time you don't spell a word right?" (The answer was no by the way. I cant spell or speak half the time! That's why I MC events and blog. Perfect requirements for such jobs) So if I did something to someone or even myself (like gain all this weight and carry my embarrassment, called my body, everywhere I go) that I need to realize I'm wrong, do my best to fix it and then let it be. Move on like a douche bag does after a one-night stand he had with a girl for a bet. I am sure guilt has a lot to do with my weight gain and I am excited to let go of the concepts that connect the two.
I miss you all dearly. I am so sorry Ive been MIA but I'm back for however long I have something to say. PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS! I wanna know if you can understand my pain or if you don't get it at all!!! Ill shall post my next blog before the week is out! Love and freedom!
Seven
Lets first talk about how Weight Watchers is awesome and how I am not.
Alright so, I understand now why Weight Watchers is the number one weight loss system in the nation cuz it has an excellent system to kick Fat's ass. It teaches you two major things.....How much is too much food for you and your body AND BALANCE! So it is no surprise that I have spent 60 dollars to gain weight on the program. Why? Guess what ONE of my major issue are in my life???? Yes BALANCE!
If you have ever met me in person....I am extremely passionate. I am bubbly, ballsy and have a high pitch voice that at first sounds pleasant but eventually gets on your GOD DAMN NERVES! Passion is what drives me but what it also does.....is..... put me in EXTREMES. Example, Lets say I watch a YouTube video of a baby cow being stabbed by a huge metal hook, drug across the floor while kicking in pain and murdered for the purpose of being on my bun. (Real shit like this happens everyday by the way) Not only do I stop eating beef....I tell all my friends on facebook I'm going to call in some kind of homicide team on your ass if I see you eating a cow. Then I'm talking to the manager of Food Lion to make sure he knows he support the Osama type murder of animals and should leave the earth in the same way if he doesnt get some organic in this bitch. I go hard for at the most 2-3 weeks then that faithful bar-b-cue happens where the only people that I know at the spot are the people who have been trying to sabotage my efforts to not eat meat so that they can eat guilt free! I end up having just ONE piece of a beef hot dog and BAM next week I'm turning my stove to 300 to slowly cook a roast.
Its baaaaad! Soooo bad. I know it has a lot to do with my up bringing where I felt I had to be perfect and make all the right choices all the time so now all I wanna do is REBEL! Which is why wrong shit feels so amazeballs RIGHT. But it also has a lot to do with my relationship with food.
Lets get real. If we are talking about caloric intake and outtake then exercising, on average, burns about 350 calories per hour. A debbie snack cake Nutty Buddy Bar is 330 calories which can be consumed by me in less than 5 mins. Conclusion: Its not about my relationship with a tredmill which is what I have been focusing on a lot. If I stopped eating so much damn food....I wouldn't be in this embarrassing predicament.
I have been blessed. I LOVE WEIRD HEALTHY FOOD!!! I can eat watermelon, bananas, oranges and apples EVERYDAY for breakfast. Some form of Raw Spinach, broccoli, mushrooms and celery everyday for lunch! Tofu, soup and a huge ass salad for dinner! I love healthy food cuz it taste GRRRRREAT to me! SO why in the fuck titty ville do I always go for the unhealthy shitty food? Why does my brain tell me, "Fuck that plum son and go for the Belgian Waffles, grits and milkshake that we will call a smoothie."
It is a mind thing. I have no control over the one thing I CAN control.
I recently spoke with this beautiful spirit, Neleh (waving frantically at her), who told me about this transformation shes been on for two years looking for herself. She tells me about yoga and it detoxing benefits which Ive done...hot yoga specifically.... with my other homie GLO! I had a ball and felt amazing and I stopped because Im a dumb ass. So I was interested in what Neleh had to say because not only do I love yoga but I loved her. Her spirit glowed and her body was AWESOME! I noticed her physical change but didnt connect that it came from the inside.
So here I am again trying to figure out what wack ass concept did I adopt that made me almost 30 pounds overweight and I realized this.....I dont want to be healthy....I just wanna look good!
That one statement explains alot. Yo yo dieting comes from this fuckball of a statement. You and I are spirits. Just like astronauts are given a space suit in order to survive in outer space....we were given a body in order to grow our spirits from what we learn here on earth. Its crazy for the astronaut to be more concerned about getting a ruby red suit and Jordans laced into his/her suit than he/she is about the maintenance of the suit! Same with me....its a stupid concept to be more concerned about being fat than me being unhealthy. So thats my next step. Changing my relationship with food. Becoming healthy from the inside out. Intention is everything.
I have begin to research many authors that talk about this topic and yoga. The China Study already has peaked my interest highly. While I research food scientifically, Ill add in some hot yoga and books on guilt which we will talk about later on because guilt is one of the worst emotions we have adopted into our daily lives! (It is seriously a fuckcluster of shitty shit!)
Alright lets do a small preview......guilt is like swallowing shattered glass on purpose. It causes so much stress on you physically and spiritually for no reason! Most people use it to punish themselves so they wont do what they did again. I had to ask myself, "Do you punch yourself in the face every time you don't spell a word right?" (The answer was no by the way. I cant spell or speak half the time! That's why I MC events and blog. Perfect requirements for such jobs) So if I did something to someone or even myself (like gain all this weight and carry my embarrassment, called my body, everywhere I go) that I need to realize I'm wrong, do my best to fix it and then let it be. Move on like a douche bag does after a one-night stand he had with a girl for a bet. I am sure guilt has a lot to do with my weight gain and I am excited to let go of the concepts that connect the two.
I miss you all dearly. I am so sorry Ive been MIA but I'm back for however long I have something to say. PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS! I wanna know if you can understand my pain or if you don't get it at all!!! Ill shall post my next blog before the week is out! Love and freedom!
Seven
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