I know I know....Ive been gone as long as your disc man has but I'm back. Lots of stuff has happened! I mean lots but I will slowly recap through out the blog instead of catching you guys up all at once.
Lets first talk about how Weight Watchers is awesome and how I am not.
Alright so, I understand now why Weight Watchers is the number one weight loss system in the nation cuz it has an excellent system to kick Fat's ass. It teaches you two major things.....How much is too much food for you and your body AND BALANCE! So it is no surprise that I have spent 60 dollars to gain weight on the program. Why? Guess what ONE of my major issue are in my life???? Yes BALANCE!
If you have ever met me in person....I am extremely passionate. I am bubbly, ballsy and have a high pitch voice that at first sounds pleasant but eventually gets on your GOD DAMN NERVES! Passion is what drives me but what it also does.....is..... put me in EXTREMES. Example, Lets say I watch a YouTube video of a baby cow being stabbed by a huge metal hook, drug across the floor while kicking in pain and murdered for the purpose of being on my bun. (Real shit like this happens everyday by the way) Not only do I stop eating beef....I tell all my friends on facebook I'm going to call in some kind of homicide team on your ass if I see you eating a cow. Then I'm talking to the manager of Food Lion to make sure he knows he support the Osama type murder of animals and should leave the earth in the same way if he doesnt get some organic in this bitch. I go hard for at the most 2-3 weeks then that faithful bar-b-cue happens where the only people that I know at the spot are the people who have been trying to sabotage my efforts to not eat meat so that they can eat guilt free! I end up having just ONE piece of a beef hot dog and BAM next week I'm turning my stove to 300 to slowly cook a roast.
Its baaaaad! Soooo bad. I know it has a lot to do with my up bringing where I felt I had to be perfect and make all the right choices all the time so now all I wanna do is REBEL! Which is why wrong shit feels so amazeballs RIGHT. But it also has a lot to do with my relationship with food.
Lets get real. If we are talking about caloric intake and outtake then exercising, on average, burns about 350 calories per hour. A debbie snack cake Nutty Buddy Bar is 330 calories which can be consumed by me in less than 5 mins. Conclusion: Its not about my relationship with a tredmill which is what I have been focusing on a lot. If I stopped eating so much damn food....I wouldn't be in this embarrassing predicament.
I have been blessed. I LOVE WEIRD HEALTHY FOOD!!! I can eat watermelon, bananas, oranges and apples EVERYDAY for breakfast. Some form of Raw Spinach, broccoli, mushrooms and celery everyday for lunch! Tofu, soup and a huge ass salad for dinner! I love healthy food cuz it taste GRRRRREAT to me! SO why in the fuck titty ville do I always go for the unhealthy shitty food? Why does my brain tell me, "Fuck that plum son and go for the Belgian Waffles, grits and milkshake that we will call a smoothie."
It is a mind thing. I have no control over the one thing I CAN control.
I recently spoke with this beautiful spirit, Neleh (waving frantically at her), who told me about this transformation shes been on for two years looking for herself. She tells me about yoga and it detoxing benefits which Ive done...hot yoga specifically.... with my other homie GLO! I had a ball and felt amazing and I stopped because Im a dumb ass. So I was interested in what Neleh had to say because not only do I love yoga but I loved her. Her spirit glowed and her body was AWESOME! I noticed her physical change but didnt connect that it came from the inside.
So here I am again trying to figure out what wack ass concept did I adopt that made me almost 30 pounds overweight and I realized this.....I dont want to be healthy....I just wanna look good!
That one statement explains alot. Yo yo dieting comes from this fuckball of a statement. You and I are spirits. Just like astronauts are given a space suit in order to survive in outer space....we were given a body in order to grow our spirits from what we learn here on earth. Its crazy for the astronaut to be more concerned about getting a ruby red suit and Jordans laced into his/her suit than he/she is about the maintenance of the suit! Same with me....its a stupid concept to be more concerned about being fat than me being unhealthy. So thats my next step. Changing my relationship with food. Becoming healthy from the inside out. Intention is everything.
I have begin to research many authors that talk about this topic and yoga. The China Study already has peaked my interest highly. While I research food scientifically, Ill add in some hot yoga and books on guilt which we will talk about later on because guilt is one of the worst emotions we have adopted into our daily lives! (It is seriously a fuckcluster of shitty shit!)
Alright lets do a small preview......guilt is like swallowing shattered glass on purpose. It causes so much stress on you physically and spiritually for no reason! Most people use it to punish themselves so they wont do what they did again. I had to ask myself, "Do you punch yourself in the face every time you don't spell a word right?" (The answer was no by the way. I cant spell or speak half the time! That's why I MC events and blog. Perfect requirements for such jobs) So if I did something to someone or even myself (like gain all this weight and carry my embarrassment, called my body, everywhere I go) that I need to realize I'm wrong, do my best to fix it and then let it be. Move on like a douche bag does after a one-night stand he had with a girl for a bet. I am sure guilt has a lot to do with my weight gain and I am excited to let go of the concepts that connect the two.
I miss you all dearly. I am so sorry Ive been MIA but I'm back for however long I have something to say. PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS! I wanna know if you can understand my pain or if you don't get it at all!!! Ill shall post my next blog before the week is out! Love and freedom!
Seven
I share your pain with food. It got worst when I moved to va and found ihop. I am a foodie. I snack occasionally but there is nothing better then Belgium waffles and talopia or any type of italian food on a late night. Also I love friends and family so I tend to bond over food. It's even worst when you have a momma that is a outstanding cook who is always experimenting and the food is never bad. Guilt, bad and good relationships (you know the men that like them thick and don't mind feeding you), things we do to ourselves like not being happy with just being. We have to start putting ourselves first and seek help. We can love food and enjoy it but not let it consume us. I was at a great weight when i moved here but had really bad back pain because of the "girls". So i gained weight to even it out. (Put more weight on the bottom. Problem is I did not exercise. The extra turned into fat. I also understand the mind thing. When your intentions are good but your mind is bad. Bottom line is, we got a lot of work to do.
ReplyDeleteGlad to know I'm not alone. I'm sitting here trying to control my job, my friendships and the people around me KNOWING the only thing I can control is me and I can't. Well I can but DIDN'T WANNA! Lol. Now I see where that lack of discipline has gotten me.....all the things I didn't want.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Muriel. I didn't know you felt this way or you had been thru that!
I also understand the battle with food and control. I am the girl who will while heating up food with eat a few bites of the cold food still let in the pan...wtf? I just can't wait! Such a mess. I am working on eating to sustain myself, not for satisfaction. Once I get to understanding why I need to eat, I can then enjoy food again the correct way. Right now, I just eat because it's good, but as I continue to do that, I am getting bigger and bigger. Balance is key and I need to find some, so I can again enjoy food, but not over indulge. Hope that makes sense! Bottom line: I'm with you and look forward to reading more!
ReplyDeleteRoomdot my love....i think you are small time compared to me at EVERY MEAL eating until I hurt myself. Like seriously dont think Im full unless theres a little stomach pain. WHERE THEY DO THAT AT?
DeleteI am an extremist, in multiple facets of my life. I related so much on this post.... sigh. We all seek balance, but the crazy things about extremes, is that the HIGHS are so high, and we always feel like we kick SO MUCH ASS during that time, it makes it hard to "sit in the middle". Like a duck on a still pond- boring. Unfortunately, my extremes have been more often the lows in the past few years, so I'll celebrate hitting the middle or normalcy as I work my way up to the top.
ReplyDeleteDude! I so get you on this. In spirituality theres this thing they teach called detachment. Where you detach your emotions from everything. They say this is how you achieve Nirvana. Sounds good but I love feeling AMAZING! Those high times are so God Damn GOOOD! lol. But middle and normalcy sound so dull. Lets find a better word so I can use that instead. I dont want Vanilla for the rest of my life. Theres gotta be a better word! You're a song writter. DO that!
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